Understanding Attachment Styles Can Improve Your Relationships

Psychology

Aug 19

When you notice repeated behavior imprints in your partner, friend, parent, or any other human being you are spending time with, you may be glimpsing into their attachment style. The same goes for yourself and your behavior patterns in relationships. Gaining awareness of your and others’ attachment style can be a game-changer to improve your self-awareness and the quality of your relationships.

Attachment styles are childhood-based ways of behaving in relationships. Your attachment style is fixed until you become aware of it; at which point you are empowered to work on your inner self to change it if you decide so. The attachment styles framework was first developed in the 1970s by Ainsworth. The hallmark study that gave validity and popularity to the attachment style theory is the Strange Situation Task.

In this experiment, children were observed in their behavior when in the same room with the mother, when a stranger entered the room, when the mother left the room, when the stranger interacted with the children, and when the mother re-entered the room. This video shows what the experiment looked like.

As a result of the study and subsequent research and application in the field of psychotherapy and family therapy, four attachment styles were identified:

Secure → This is objectively the best attachment style one can have and cultivate. A securely attached child is openly happy when the caregiver is around them, and will likely cry (a physiological response) the first times when the caregiver is not around. The child is confident that the caregiver will come back and is there for them in any situation and circumstance. In adult relationships, a securely attached individual has high levels of both self-confidence and confidence in others. This makes a secure-attached person feel assured, independent and grounded in their romantic and non-romantic relationships.
Insecure (anxious-avoidant) → The insecure-attached child would avoid or ignore the caregiver and show little emotions when she would leave the room. Such an individual has a high capacity for self-confidence and a low-to-very-low degree of trust in others. They may describe themselves as highly independent individuals who don’t need relationships to be happy. For people with this attachment style, it is tough to form and maintain relationships due to their inability or unwillingness to open up emotionally.
Anxious ambivalent (resistance insecure) → The anxious-ambivalent child would be very difficult to comfort and display high levels of stress and anxiety both when the caregiver leaves the room and after she returns to the room. The anxious-ambivalent individual has low levels of self-confidence and low levels of confidence and trust in others. They tend to experience high levels of anxiety and neuroticism in their relationships due to lacking a feeling of control toward themselves and others.
Disorganized disoriented → The disorganized-disoriented child would hunch their shoulders and constrain their body language. They seem out of place and disoriented. The disorganized-disoriented person tends to feel they don’t deserve love or affection in a relationship. Such an internalized belief may stem from childhood trauma or other shocking relationship events during their lifetime.

The autonomic nervous system is what determines our reaction to situations in our relationships. For example, the way you react to a breakup is the by-product of your autonomic response to it. The autonomic nervous system is like a see-saw (thanks dr. Huberman for this analogy) that is in sync with your partner in a romantic relationship. The autonomic nervous system is composed of three divisions: sympathetic (responsible for states of alertness), parasympathetic (responsible for states of calmness), and enteric. You can learn more about the autonomic nervous system here (or here if you like videos better).

Gaining awareness of attachment styles can significantly improve the quality of your life. When you do so, you have the ability to improve your situation and empathize with other people at a deeper level. There may be two fundamental lessons one can learn by becoming aware of attachment styles:

Be a good person, and pay attention. You can resolve to use common sense and pay attention to the other individual with whom you are in a relationship and the potential reasons behind their behaviors. Then you can decide to be a good person and enhance them instead of putting them down.
Apply radical compassion toward yourself and others. Your childhood, personality traits, and life experiences all have had an impact on your current self. And the same is valid for other individuals. With this awareness, you can decide to practice radical compassion and wish yourself and others well in their rocky life journey. All the while, you have the ability to change your status quo, right now. And compassion is the portal toward changing yourself.